Author Archives: ryan

Two Months Today: an Amputation in Retrospect

So as of May 1st it’s been two months exactly (roughly to the hour as of this writing, too) since ol’ Misfire McCoy here sent his lower left leg to heaven prematurely with his shotgun, and things are going better than you might expect, barring a lot of waiting and government inefficiency. The county presumably paid for my emergency bills yet now the man is taking weeks at a time to simply look at me, look down at my leg, look back up at my face and say “Yup, definitely not sorcery or a prank. Here’s the paper you need to progress to the American Disability Acts’ Ice Kingdom stage! Beware the dragons!” Is it truly so hard to check your mail, you bureaucratic butt-muppets? But that’s old news.The world still turns and as do my 22″ gold wheelchair rims. I want gold wheelchair rims, Obama! C’mon! All I need is $50,00 in taxpayer money to live kinda like an average dude, but SOMEHOW that’s asking too much. Sheesh…

Puns, puns and more puns

REALLY SHOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT… I mean… ANKLE AND LOWER SHIN ON THAT ONE!

While I have yet to begin physical therapy/rehab at a clinic due to my benefits, disability coverage and Medicaid STILL being”processed” (nary a single blue handicap parking tag), I have started”Slap Therapy”, a warm-up regimen of sorts for the prosthetic being fit that’s simply just wailing on the bottom of the stump to deaden the nerves and allow me to put all my weight on it with no discomfort and thus learn to walk again. Though I can testify to it making a lot of progress, it’s “Slap Therapy”, a kind of”therapy” you’d usually find at a Cenobite bondage club: smack the end with you hands like it owes money to Grandma until you’re a seething mass of frustration and pain with a “leg” that feels like it got a charley horse while under anesthesia  but in a distinctly painful way. Lather, rinse, curse God and repeat until the artificial limb is ready to be attached and first tried out.

That brings me to riveting my peg leg (or however they do it) onto my leg for the coming walk-again-like-a-big-boy classes, as well as the inevitable Read the rest of this entry

How I Blew Off a Leg With a 12 Gauge Shotgun, Part One

There was a man outside throwing stuff into the back of his truck. Wrench sets, tools, wood, just random things- and this wasn’t the first time. Tweakers often try to rummage through the large collection of years of auction-hunting for copper and anything else of value, so when I saw him I immediately grabbed my shotgun from my room, loaded it up (three magnum buckshot and two AA birdshot loads) and ran to the foyer. I opened the door slightly to see if he would notice, and sure enough he pulled his truck around and came back to the pile to thieve.

Killer looks!

Not the Blackhawk grip that was on it, but a photo of the gun a few days before installing it.

Jumping out the door, wielding my gun and screaming “GETONTHEGODDAMNGROUND MOTHERFUCKER! DOITNOW GODDAMMIT!” like a wild man, I put the side of his head in my sights and racked in a round just before he took off running to his truck yelling Spanish. He might have a gun, I thought, or maybe just yelling “don’t shoot!” Legally, I had the right to take the shot, but I didn’t want to kill someone over stolen tools. Yelling back all manner of curse words and reaching for my phone, I dove back into the small, enclosed foyer and went to call the police.

Holding my pistol-gripped WesternField 550ABD (Mossberg 500 clone) by my side, shaking from the adrenaline while still observing proper weapons safety (finger off the trigger, pointed downward, the usual lot). I held up my iPhone 4 and dialed nine, one, one and BOOM! Read the rest of this entry

Updates! Reviews! Contest! Yay!

Updates! Mark your calendars and grab a chair, ‘cuz we have boatloads of assailant-neutralizing goodness headed your way!

Hello, my adoring public! It’s the Holiday season and I’ve been buried under mountains of work, and I apologize for the delay of an update. Things are going well on the OC front: tests to run, articles to write and faces to decontaminate thanks to a wide variety of products to test at my disposal. Things are so good, in fact, that we’re expanding our horizons a bit by including other product reviews!

In addition to self-defense sprays and the like, we’ll cover ECWs as well for a convenient means of pest deterrence for cyclists, joggers and people who don’t enjoy getting hurt in general. On the slate to be posted first we have:
Kubotan: A metal rod meant to be held in your fist and used to manipulate pressure points and joints, give the user a “loaded fist” (like having a roll of quarters in your hand) and (when sporting a tapered end) affords the ability to use it like an icepick in a hammer-fist blow. Can arguably be used lethally if necessary.
Stun Gun: A gun/handheld device that shocks attackers.
Stun Baton: A baton/nightstick that shocks attackers while bludgeoning their asses. A personal favorite, the telescoping design that folds down to ~6″ is as easy to carry in a pocket as a Magnum-sized OC canister and augments your fighting ability considerably. Read the rest of this entry

Fox Labs 5.3: Best Spray Next to VX Gas!

Holy shit! WTF! OMG!

Five minutes after the spray? I’ll go quietly, officer, no need for that. Ever.

Just a quick post here. We let a 7-11 Big Gulp have a 1/2 second hit of Fox 5.3 to see if all the hullabaloo about it melting styrofoam and burning leather is true, and the results are in: yes, it does, and with horrifying speed. I cannot wait to test and review this stuff (though I will NOT be receiving a blast to my face. I’m not THAT dumb.) next week, as this little experiment has proven to me that not only is Fox “Five Point Three” the most intense shizzle on the market by eating through a cup and making me gag, choke, cough and tear-up liberally when standing five feet away upwind.

Oh yes, we’ll have assessments of both Fox 5.3 and “Mean Green”, their water-based hellion that dyes a face bright neon green for 48 hours (non-removable). Yikes. And wow. And respect to Fox: you guys have successfully made the first personal defense spray I classify as a chemical weapon. You rock, ya bunch of sadists!

A tad taller than a Bic lighter.

Awww, what a cute lil’ guy!

I would hate to be the perp who gets a whack of this during his criminal career, yet I’m 100% fine with carrying it since they’re clearly not interested in my safety. Stay tuned!

First up: Sabre Advanced 3-in-1

Sabre Advanced Defense 3-in-1

For the first installment of my little OC defense spray review series, we have the old standby, the warhorse of the NYPD and damn hot stuff to experience: Sabre 3-in-1 Advanced Defense Spray. More to come twice a week, so be sure to tune-in! Or online-in, whatever, just educate yourselves, ya plebs!

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Active Ingredients: OC/CS 1%/1%; OC is 3mil SHU @ 10% for 300,000 NHU (Nozzle Heat Units); CS (military tear gas) @ 1%.

Onset: 8/10
2-5 seconds, as the CS tends to cause a much more immediate and involuntary reaction when used in conjunction with OC. The classic sting of Sabre Red meets the snot-monster virus that is CS gas equals a fast-acting and highly disorienting product, an ideal for any defense spray out there

Potency: 9/10
This is the real deal, folks. Sabre Red proudly lays claim to have been “making grown men cry since 1976″ with authority, being one of the most popular and widely-used brands available to both civilian and LEO/CO use. It’s claimed to be a water-based solution with over 3,000,000 SHUs in it, making the nozzle heat around 300,000. A fresh, cultivated, hot-as-it-gets jalapeno is roughly 6,000 SHUs, so do the math. Hot. Hot. HOT. Note the non-flammable forumla. Alcohol-based sprays in the past, when used with a stun gun or tazer, will set the target on fire. Read the rest of this entry

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