Two Months Today: an Amputation in Retrospect

So as of May 1st it’s been two months exactly (roughly to the hour as of this writing, too) since ol’ Misfire McCoy here sent his lower left leg to heaven prematurely with his shotgun, and things are going better than you might expect, barring a lot of waiting and government inefficiency. The county presumably paid for my emergency bills yet now the man is taking weeks at a time to simply look at me, look down at my leg, look back up at my face and say “Yup, definitely not sorcery or a prank. Here’s the paper you need to progress to the American Disability Acts’ Ice Kingdom stage! Beware the dragons!” Is it truly so hard to check your mail, you bureaucratic butt-muppets? But that’s old news.The world still turns and as do my 22″ gold wheelchair rims. I want gold wheelchair rims, Obama! C’mon! All I need is $50,00 in taxpayer money to live kinda like an average dude, but SOMEHOW that’s asking too much. Sheesh…

Puns, puns and more puns


While I have yet to begin physical therapy/rehab at a clinic due to my benefits, disability coverage and Medicaid STILL being”processed” (nary a single blue handicap parking tag), I have started”Slap Therapy”, a warm-up regimen of sorts for the prosthetic being fit that’s simply just wailing on the bottom of the stump to deaden the nerves and allow me to put all my weight on it with no discomfort and thus learn to walk again. Though I can testify to it making a lot of progress, it’s “Slap Therapy”, a kind of”therapy” you’d usually find at a Cenobite bondage club: smack the end with you hands like it owes money to Grandma until you’re a seething mass of frustration and pain with a “leg” that feels like it got a charley horse while under anesthesia  but in a distinctly painful way. Lather, rinse, curse God and repeat until the artificial limb is ready to be attached and first tried out.

That brings me to riveting my peg leg (or however they do it) onto my leg for the coming walk-again-like-a-big-boy classes, as well as the inevitable Read the rest of this entry

Updates! Reviews! Contest! Yay!

Updates! Mark your calendars and grab a chair, ‘cuz we have boatloads of assailant-neutralizing goodness headed your way!

Hello, my adoring public! It’s the Holiday season and I’ve been buried under mountains of work, and I apologize for the delay of an update. Things are going well on the OC front: tests to run, articles to write and faces to decontaminate thanks to a wide variety of products to test at my disposal. Things are so good, in fact, that we’re expanding our horizons a bit by including other product reviews!

In addition to self-defense sprays and the like, we’ll cover ECWs as well for a convenient means of pest deterrence for cyclists, joggers and people who don’t enjoy getting hurt in general. On the slate to be posted first we have:
Kubotan: A metal rod meant to be held in your fist and used to manipulate pressure points and joints, give the user a “loaded fist” (like having a roll of quarters in your hand) and (when sporting a tapered end) affords the ability to use it like an icepick in a hammer-fist blow. Can arguably be used lethally if necessary.
Stun Gun: A gun/handheld device that shocks attackers.
Stun Baton: A baton/nightstick that shocks attackers while bludgeoning their asses. A personal favorite, the telescoping design that folds down to ~6″ is as easy to carry in a pocket as a Magnum-sized OC canister and augments your fighting ability considerably. Read the rest of this entry

Fox Labs 5.3: Best Spray Next to VX Gas!

Holy shit! WTF! OMG!

Five minutes after the spray? I’ll go quietly, officer, no need for that. Ever.

Just a quick post here. We let a 7-11 Big Gulp have a 1/2 second hit of Fox 5.3 to see if all the hullabaloo about it melting styrofoam and burning leather is true, and the results are in: yes, it does, and with horrifying speed. I cannot wait to test and review this stuff (though I will NOT be receiving a blast to my face. I’m not THAT dumb.) next week, as this little experiment has proven to me that not only is Fox “Five Point Three” the most intense shizzle on the market by eating through a cup and making me gag, choke, cough and tear-up liberally when standing five feet away upwind.

Oh yes, we’ll have assessments of both Fox 5.3 and “Mean Green”, their water-based hellion that dyes a face bright neon green for 48 hours (non-removable). Yikes. And wow. And respect to Fox: you guys have successfully made the first personal defense spray I classify as a chemical weapon. You rock, ya bunch of sadists!

A tad taller than a Bic lighter.

Awww, what a cute lil’ guy!

I would hate to be the perp who gets a whack of this during his criminal career, yet I’m 100% fine with carrying it since they’re clearly not interested in my safety. Stay tuned!

First up: Sabre Advanced 3-in-1

Sabre Advanced Defense 3-in-1

For the first installment of my little OC defense spray review series, we have the old standby, the warhorse of the NYPD and damn hot stuff to experience: Sabre 3-in-1 Advanced Defense Spray. More to come twice a week, so be sure to tune-in! Or online-in, whatever, just educate yourselves, ya plebs!


Active Ingredients: OC/CS 1%/1%; OC is 3mil SHU @ 10% for 300,000 NHU (Nozzle Heat Units); CS (military tear gas) @ 1%.

Onset: 8/10
2-5 seconds, as the CS tends to cause a much more immediate and involuntary reaction when used in conjunction with OC. The classic sting of Sabre Red meets the snot-monster virus that is CS gas equals a fast-acting and highly disorienting product, an ideal for any defense spray out there

Potency: 9/10
This is the real deal, folks. Sabre Red proudly lays claim to have been “making grown men cry since 1976″ with authority, being one of the most popular and widely-used brands available to both civilian and LEO/CO use. It’s claimed to be a water-based solution with over 3,000,000 SHUs in it, making the nozzle heat around 300,000. A fresh, cultivated, hot-as-it-gets jalapeno is roughly 6,000 SHUs, so do the math. Hot. Hot. HOT. Note the non-flammable forumla. Alcohol-based sprays in the past, when used with a stun gun or tazer, will set the target on fire. Read the rest of this entry

New Series: Pepper Sprays Reviewed!

My personal website, the ubiquitous, has started a new and completely revised series on pepper sprays. Over the next few months I’ll be releasing new articles and reviews twice a week covering different brands, types, formulations, sizes and every aspect one needs to get a good grasp on OC/CS/CN/CR defense sprays. I’ve had to use this stuff more often than I’d have ever wanted to, and it only seems fair to share my experience and expertise (if you can call it that) with the rest of the world. Months of research and countless hours on the phone with dozens of companies has culminated in my writing of these articles, and I hope you enjoy and learn from them.

The first up to bat is the Sabre Advanced Defense 3-in-1 spray, a blend of OC and military-grade tear gas with UV dye for suspect identification, and it’s what I consider to be the benchmark of all-around quality in OC/CS mixes as well as what I carry on a daily basis. It’s nasty, highly effective and less than $15 for a 4.4 ounce “Police Magnum” canister with a conical/”shotgun” spray pattern for maximum delivery of the goodness and quick take-down of the bad guys, and so easily found that anyone can get their hands on it. Good, cheap, reliable. Read the review already! And please leave a comment or ten- you never know, your input might get you a free can of “go away spray” from Jarcy during the upcoming contests!

A full pound of OC. I think it's a start.

Just a tiny tease of what’s to come!

If you have any feedback or comments, please let me know! This series is meant to empower the layman with information about these products and their use, so any tips or insight is not only welcomed but highly encouraged. Want to see a review of a certain product, or get a deeper analysis of one? Let me know! I’m always happy to learn of new gadgets I can test, especially when they can help save lives.

Well, wish me luck! Testing this stuff typically ends in someone (me) transforming from a tall, nerdy guy with a silly grin into a heavily drooling, loudly crying, feebly crawling snot-dripping sweat monster- but it’s for the greater good, right? Hope so! 🙂

Your Chemical Weapon Lab Rat and Faithful Companion,

E. Ryan Jarcy

%d bloggers like this: